


Hate That I Love You

by burymeinziam



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-20
Updated: 2013-02-20
Packaged: 2017-11-29 23:27:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/692749
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burymeinziam/pseuds/burymeinziam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn tells Liam he doesn’t care, that he doesn’t need (or want) anything more than this, and each time the words leave his mouth he hopes and prays to whatever God is out there that he’ll believe them. And yet each time Liam asks if it’s okay Zayn knows he’s spewing lies because every time he looks at Liam his heart aches.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hate That I Love You

The bed is cramped and hot and almost too much for Zayn to bear. He can feel the residual pain of a bite mark on his collarbone, he’d barely realized Liam had bitten him in the first place, and reaches up to run his fingers over the reddening mark on his skin; wonders how he’ll go about covering up so nobody will notice over the next couple of days. He lies back against the pillows, sinking into the sheets, and everything feels sticky and all too claustrophobic. Liam is lying next to him and while under most circumstances Zayn would kill for the proximity, he’s just a little too close for comfort. Liam’s breath ghosting hot over his skin makes Zayn feel a little nauseous and his body is aching and while things had been great – perfect even – no less than five minutes earlier, now all he can think about is leaving.

“What are you thinking?” Liam asks, propping himself up on his elbow and Zayn can see the sun setting in the sky through the small space where the curtains covering the windows are just barely pushed off to the side. He closes his eyes and imagines how the air must be so much fresher outdoors. 

“It’s nothing,” Zayn mumbles allowing his body to go lax in attempt to soothe the dull ache slowly passing through his body. He’d known Liam was rough and a little past the point of possessive, but it’d been weeks since they’d been together and Zayn had underestimated just how forceful Liam could be. He’d forgotten the tight grip of Liam’s hands on his hips and the harsh kisses that often left his lips swollen and raw; the dark bruises Zayn would find scattered around his body days after Liam had touched him.

Zayn hated it; hated Liam. He hated everything about him. Zayn hated Liam’s smile and the way it made him feel as though he were floating. He hated his corny jokes and the way Liam never failed to make him laugh. He hated the way Liam seemed to understand him in a way nobody else could. Liam was charming and charismatic and talented beyond belief. Liam was kind and generous and always knew exactly what to say. Zayn never wanted to admit it, and he’d never say so out loud, but Liam was perfect and that was what Zayn hated about him most.

“C’mon, Zayn,” Liam quips, looking at Zayn from the corner of his eye and Zayn sighs because even now when he’s covered in sweat and looking filthy as all hell Liam is beautiful. He reaches over, his fingers ghosting over Zayn’s forearm and he can feel the cool metal of the engagement ring on Liam’s left hand and it makes Zayn cringe because it really shouldn’t be this way.

Zayn tells Liam he doesn’t care, that he doesn’t need (or want) anything more than this, and each time the words leave his mouth he hopes and prays to whatever God is out there that he’ll believe them. And yet each time Liam asks if it’s okay Zayn knows he’s spewing lies because every time he looks at Liam his heart aches.

Zayn sighs and pushes himself up, wincing as a sharp pain shoots through his lower back. “Doesn’t matter,” he says as Liam’s hand falls to the mattress. He swings his legs over the edge of the bed and hunches over, his elbows resting against his knees as his head falls into his hands. Zayn feels exhausted and as much as he’d love to lie in bed for the rest of the day, maybe try and enjoy whatever time he could have left with Liam, everything feels too close and Zayn feels as though he’s stealing. He’s taking something that doesn’t belong to him and probably never will and he feels cheap and worthless.

And Zayn hates Liam. God, does he hate him.

Zayn hates Liam for making him feel this way and he hates himself even more for letting him do it.

“Are you alright?” Liam asks. Zayn jumps at the feel of Liam’s fingers tentative and feather light against the skin of his back and they’re gone just as quickly as they’d come. He can feel the bed shift as Liam sits up and he knows he’s rubbing his hands over his hair, maybe dragging his palms over his face, rubbing the heels of his hands against his eyes, in attempt to get rid of the post-sex grogginess he’s feeling.

“Zayn…” he presses, and there’s the concern that never fails to make Zayn break and he hates Liam for it, he really does.

It’s so different from the rough, possessive man that had practically thrown Zayn into the hotel room they’d rented out on a whim. This Liam wasn’t the same person that had fucked Zayn so hard into the mattress that he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to walk straight for the rest of the week. It couldn’t be the same person because Liam doesn’t have the right to care. He doesn’t have the right to be concerned because people who care don’t fuck their best friends before running back to their fiancés.

They don’t let their friends fall in love and then toy with their emotions. And sure, maybe it’s sort of Zayn’s fault too because he’s never said so much in words but Liam should _know._ Liam should be able to look at him and tell because Liam should know Zayn; should be able to read him like a book. Liam should be able to look in Zayn’s eyes and know that it isn’t okay even though Zayn says that it is. And maybe this is Zayn being a little selfish and maybe he’s expecting a little too much but he feels it’s the least Liam could do for making him feel this way.

Liam shouldn’t be allowed to mark Zayn up, claiming his body as his own, only to leave him behind in the morning. Zayn shouldn’t have to look at himself in the mirror only to find bruises staining the skin of his inner thighs, harsh purple marks standing out against the pale skin of his shoulders. Liam shouldn’t be allowed because it’s stealing. He’s stealing parts of Zayn that Zayn isn’t sure he wants to give up.

But if Zayn is really being honest with himself Liam isn’t really stealing at all. Liam isn’t stealing any part of Zayn at all because Zayn is letting him take and take without giving anything in return. Zayn gave up his heart a long time ago and he let Liam walk away with it without so much as a second thought.

And it isn’t like Zayn can’t say no. He could end whatever it is he and Liam have going on whenever he wanted. Zayn could no right then in that very moment and Liam would back off. Zayn could easily tell Liam to leave him alone, to go away and never come back, and Liam would do it because he’s just that kind.

And Zayn wishes he could. He wishes he could because he hates Liam so much. He hates him with every fiber in his being and Zayn wishes he could just say no and walk away without so much as a single glance over his shoulder, but it isn’t so simple and Zayn hates himself for making things to hard.

He hates himself because as much has he hates Liam, he loves him all the same.

“I have to go,” Zayn says, reaching over and grabbing his underwear from the end of the bed. The air in the room suddenly feels thick and Zayn knows if he stays any longer he won’t be able to breathe.

Liam reaches out, grabbing Zayn’s wrist just as he’s about to pick his jeans up from the floor and Zayn tenses up at the contact. Liam’s grip is gentle, yet firm, and Zayn knows it’s his way of asking him to stay; that he’s not ready to let Zayn go just yet and when he looks at him, Liam’s face is so earnest and his eyes are pleading and Zayn can’t help but to think that Liam is so fucking selfish for doing this to him because he _knows._ Liam knows what he means to Zayn and he knows that Zayn would do just about anything to make him smile.

And Zayn hates him; he hates him so much.

“Let go,” Zayn murmurs, biting down on his lower lip. Liam’s grip loosens slightly, but his fingers stay wrapped around Zayn’s wrist silently begging him to stay. _Please stay._

Zayn looks at Liam and he almost cracks. He lets his pants fall back to the floor so he can climb back into the sticky sheets that are this side of too warm so he can cuddle a little too close to Liam if only to make him smile. He almost does it, but then he sees the wring on Liam’s left hand and he remembers the girl Liam has waiting for him back home and the marks on his shoulders and the dull ache in his chest and Zayn knows he can’t do this; not now.

“Let me go, Liam,” Zayn says and his voice is a little firmer now and Liam drops his hand to the bed, his eyes growing wide and a little sad as he takes in the sight before him. Zayn doesn’t even realize he’s crying until the tears are already slipping, hot and embarrassing, down his cheeks. He reaches up, harshly wiping at his eyes and turning around to pull on his jeans so he can leave the hotel as soon as possible because he doesn’t want to do this. Zayn doesn’t want to stand here and cry over a boy who will never love him as much as he wants him too.

“Hey,” Liam says climbing out of bed and placing a hand on Zayn’s naked shoulder. “Stop that.”

Zayn pauses, straightening out his back and heaving a deep sigh because as much as he hates him right now, Liam’s hand on his shoulder is comforting and grounding in a way Zayn desperately wishes it wasn’t.

“Look at me,” Liam says, turning Zayn around so they are standing face to face. Zayn’s heart breaks even further because Liam looks so pretty when he’s worried. There’s that wrinkle between his eyes that Zayn wants to lean forward and kiss because he knows it’ll make Liam duck his head and laugh in that adorable way that makes his cheeks flush.

Liam sighs, leaning forward to kiss away a stray tear running down Zayn’s cheek and Zayn sighs, his body shuddering because he doesn’t need this right now. He doesn’t need Liam being sweet and caring about him. He doesn’t want Liam to hold him and make him feel as though everything is going to be alright because it isn’t. It’s never going to be easy; not as long as Liam makes it so simultaneously difficult and easy to love him.

“You are so special,” Liam whispers, ignoring the way Zayn’s body shakes against his own as he fights the urge to cry. “You have to know how special you are to make me feel this way.”

Zayn lets Liam hold him for a few lingering seconds before pulling away and wiping at his eyes. He knows they’re probably a little red but he doesn’t care because he only wants to get out.

“You have to know,” Liam repeats, and now when Zayn looks at him he can tell Liam is scared. He can see it in Liam’s eyes that he’s scared and he thinks it’s good because it’s about time Liam felt a little uneasy.

Zayn nods his head briefly though because he can’t bring himself to allow Liam to feel that way for long and he bends over to pull on his jeans before picking up his T-shirt as well and slipping it over his head. It’s not until he’s standing at the door that Zayn turns around to find Liam standing in the same spot, eyes trained on him and looking just as fearful as they had a few moments earlier.

“I’ll uh…I’ll see you around,” Zayn says as he unlocks and opens the door before stepping into the hallway. He’s just about to close the door behind him when he hears Liam’s voice small and nervous and a little unsure sounding from the center of the room.

“Call me, yeah?”

And Zayn thinks _no_ because he shouldn’t He shouldn’t call Liam because it will only lead to this happening all over again and Zayn really doesn’t need that. He doesn’t need Liam at all because this is all that ever comes of having him. He only ends up hating himself and wishing he’d never loved him in the first place.

But Zayn doesn’t tell Liam no because he can’t bring himself to do it. He doesn’t tell him no because as much as Zayn hates Liam, he loves him all the same – if not a little more. Zayn doesn’t say no at all, because he’s weak willed and in love and he hates himself for it. Zayn doesn’t say no at all; just ducks his head and mumbles a quiet and tired “okay” before placing his palm against the door and pushing it closed with a soft click.


End file.
